Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Two words: blizzard sex
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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