If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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