i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
