those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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