She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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