guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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