It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
