peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
