when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I am naked and annoyed.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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