listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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