Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
im on a boat
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