So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
