Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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