How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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