I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
