I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
