my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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