I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize