the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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