Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
