The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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