just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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