I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
