I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
