I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
