They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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