Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
