if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
