i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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