but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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