If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
