Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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