I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
