At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
