I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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