Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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