He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
