I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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