God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
