peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
