I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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