I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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