this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
