so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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