Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
