And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
