We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
