you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
third nipple confirmed
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
