The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
