I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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