It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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