i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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