Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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