Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
