smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
